New Year Blues

2011 has been…well…weird…
For a start it was a mixture of different experiences. Like a wide range of them.
It all started with my job- my first attempt at making me some kind of life. But as it turns out, life was left outside the entrance of the company the first day I entered office. And when I left work every day, I had to go pick it up from the doorstep. The months were spread out with long days and frustrated situations, and I started realising how very less prepared I had been for this. But as time passed, life got more and more monotonous, and I slowly blended into the homogeneity that my life had turned out to be.
Friends. One reason for life. I met a set of some of the greatest people I’ve ever met till date. There were people among them whose kind I had always avoided all my life. Wonder why. The first few months of my life were full of these people until slowly, they dissolved into their own. The rest of the months had frequent visits and sometimes eventful weekends. But most of the days were normal and quite not at all exciting, which is not a good thing for a guy like me.
As I sat on a hot day (which is any other day in this city I’ve made my nest), I realised I was so close to my dream and yet I’d done nothing about it. I decided, in that moment, to do something about it.
Which I did.
My design classes were one of the highlights of this year. I learnt from very able minds, what my dream was all about. I realised I shared interests and dreams with more people, and being around them made me feel very connected and very much like I belonged. Joining those classes were one of the best decisions I’ve made this year.
Speaking of good decisions, I noticed I’ve always had a love for writing. I realised how soothing writing is to me. And when I sit in front of my PC and start typing in my thoughts they just keep on going (My typing speed has increased considerably.). I now author two blogs almost regularly, and I’m glad there are at least a handful of people who’ve read them. Writing makes me happy, and that has been one of the top realisations this year.
My relationship, which was a pretty long one, ended this year, well, for me. I realised so many factors that judge a relationship and my lessons were long, hard ones. But they helped me grow, as a person and as a lover. That girl meant (and still means) a lot to me. But she’s gone now, and I’ve learnt to accept that. The best lesson I’ve learnt is that in a failed relationship, there’s mostly never one person to blame. It always is the contribution of both people, and in certain, weird cases, a lot of third persons. But when it fails, you should learn to love that person outside that relationship. When you do that, you grow stronger and slowly grow out of it. Love is a beautiful thing. And it is a thing for the blessed.
I made some of the greatest music discoveries this year. The one that tops the list is Adele. I fell in love with her. And I still am. She is one of the most soulful musicians I’ve ever heard. She’s got it all. Her heart flows out of her music. And I love her for that. Other new entries that top my playlist this year are Lady Antebellum, Brad Paisley, Keisha, Kari Jobe and Christina Grimmie. Music has been my oxygen and these people are my favourites this year.
In spite of all this, there was never a stop to the endless days when I felt like picking up my bags and leaving the life I led. But there were a few people, and a few moments, standing at the exit, waiting to give me a reason to drop my bags there and go back to my life. And for that, I’m grateful.
Life has juggled between good and bad. But at the end of it all,
I’ve written a very good exam.
I’ve successfully completed about 30 pieces in my blog and two chapters of a book.
I’ve been a part of a very good team at work.
I’ve made a lot of new friends.
I’ve met two great girls who’ve ignited my belief in the existence of good girls out there.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes and a few very good decisions.
I’ve gotten closer to my family and they understand me a lot better.
I’ve learnt to love my life in all its imperfection.
The end of a year leaves me standing at the edge of the tall cliff that is 2011. The unexplored depth of the sea of life ahead awaits me. But today I can say with full faith and belief.
I’m diving in.
2012. It starts from now. This moment.

Bleeding Heart

(Pulled out from the dusty depths of an old book)

The heart bleeds in despair,
It bleeds a silent prayer,
For the screaming to stop inside,
To push the pain aside.

Love was never meant to be,
A bullet shot, for its honesty,
Questions left unanswered, it wont suffice,
Without a reason for its sacrifice.

The heart bleeds, it bleeds in despair,
It bleeds a silent prayer,
For the screaming to stop inside,
To push the pain aside.

A Day of Silence

The sun had risen,
But the warmth hadn’t touched my heart.
The day had begun,
But my eyes were still staring at the dark.

It was a usual day, nothing was different,
But I missed something, something apparent.
I kept staring at the phone, with no reason.
While rain poured outside, with change of season.

I had nothing to say, nothing to do,
Than stare at the screen like it was new.
The close passed noon, slow and sure,
I waited still, hunger and all no more.

All I wanted was a voice, one message,
Some kind of sound to break the silence.
When none came, my soul felt age,
Although none of this made sense.

Why did this make so much of a difference?
Why was this darkness so unnerving?
So dull was this day of silence,
I longed for a word that’d get me smiling.

Who are you, whose absence matters so much?
Why this impatience, being just a day since we’ve not spoken?
I want to get close to you, yet stay far.
I still want to hear a word, know how you are.

I’m waiting.

A Face Difficult to Erase

The night goes long,
The sight gets strong.
Once seen, a face
Gets difficult to erase.
A word not spoken,
A step, not taken.
This feeling still lingers,
A longing ,my life, still hinders.
The last goodbye,
Etched that face to my eye,
Until the next hello,
It won’t mellow.
I wish to see,
That face, beauty,
The distance between,
Though far, may seem.
That face, that face,
I wish to see.
That face, that face,
Difficult, to erase.

Living in the Past- The Journey from One Stranger to Another

“The stranger had left. It was just me, and a few people I loved in my heart.”
(Continued From “The Stranger in the Mirror”)
By Vinay Krishnan

“A part of me just stood there, while the rest of me was pushed away to where I am today.”
I stared at myself in the mirror. Who had I become? I couldn’t relate myself to the one who looked back at me. I could see the burning in his eyes. He had a lot to share, but very few words to speak. He choked as I realised I’d forgotten to breathe. As I looked away from that hideous image of my own true self, I had decided one thing. My life was going to be different now. Or I was at least going to try.
Days turned to weeks, weeks to months. My attempts to let go of the pain kept failing. I did not know why the pain never went away. There were times when I almost forgot about its existence, and then again it’d surface, stronger than ever. I’d lost complete hope in myself, and in my existence.
Then one day, as I was going through some old mails, I saw those messages- her messages. I knew I didn’t have the courage to read them again. But Man’s involuntary curiosity urged me, and I did.
As I read through the past, I realised several mistakes I’d done. All those times I’d got hurt, I’d hurt her too. All those times I’d been left alone in the dark, she was bleeding too. She’d been cut, several times, by my words, my actions, my neediness. But she bled her tears silently, without complaining; only becoming stronger in the process. As I sank into the depths of my despair, her wings grew stronger. It was only a matter of time before she flew away, far from the dark waters where I’d made my roof. She was gone. That was the past, and now the present, and for what it seemed, the future.
My past enveloped my life into a bubble, one that if burst, would scatter the shattered remains of my heart throughout my present and my future. I was locked inside that bubble. And it was time for me to get out.
I found solace in a few people- God, my roommate and best friend, my parents, and my life. They were patient, trustworthy, and spoke little when I had to speak. Slowly but surely, I started to live, not one yesterday at a time, but today. It felt good. I felt alive. I was breathing again.
I have never been able to let go of certain things in my life. They were things that were important to me, feelings that I’ve felt were real to me. Letting go of them meant letting go of a part of myself. There was that part of me that stayed in my past, abandoned by the sorrow of being left there by someone he once loved most. I had to go back and get him, so I could show him the promises of the future.
Today I’m happy. I have a dream, a new roof made of clouds and sunshine, and most importantly, I have my present. And I have someone, a stranger, who I hope, one day, will accompany me on my journey to bring back that boy who stayed behind. Life has been a flash, from the stranger in the mirror, to this stranger whom I’ve learnt to love.

I Hope You Find It...

I haven’t been able to smile a lot lately.

I don’t know why I can’t get myself to do it. And it’s definitely not that I haven’t had a lot of happy instances in my life. It’s just that I haven’t been able to feel the happiness in my inner soul.

The reason is the one memory, one sign of sorrow that I’m holding on to.

We all have that one piece of sorrow that does not allow us to smile. It must have happened at some point of our lives. Nobody knows why it happens, or when it does. But when it does happen, we find it impossible to get it out of our head. The thing about sorrow is that it can replace joy, and fill one’s heart to so much of an extent that we forget that happiness even existed.

This one thing, one incident, completely changed the way I saw life, and for better or for worse, made me who I am today. I was very well on my way to go about life as any other guy when this one incident happened. I cannot forget that one day. That one day when it happened. You happened.

The day you came into my life was the most unbelievable, most strikingly beautiful day of my life. I still smile when I think about the day you walked into my heart, in all your radiance and glory. The doors to my heart were well and truly shut. But you, with those night-like eyes of yours, broke them open and filled the emptiness inside like fresh air. I wasn’t aware of how much in love I was in with you, because it was as easy, and as voluntary as breathing. I never realized till I choked, that I was in love with you- every part and every tiny aspect of you.

Our relationship was like none other. It was true, and honest. It was painful, but relieving. It was everything it was not. I lost my ability to speak every time I saw your face, and looked into those deep brown eyes. They were beautiful, they were like the darkness- still, pure and full of mystery, and they were like the light- bright, full of hope and joy. It was amazing how you could bring two sides of a coin to one. If there was anything impossible, it was possible through you. I was in love with the second most beautiful, most amazing woman I’d come across in my life, a spot preceded only by my mother, who I love most in this world.

But fate had other plans. She took you away from me in the most cruel, most unfair way. I had you at arm’s length, the distance between us only a step long. But there was no way closer. We were passengers of different ships, and they had set sail in different directions. I saw you disappear at the horizon, never to see you again. But I hear your memories whisper to me in my dreams, and your reflections in the depths of the sea that envelopes you. You are in me, a diminishing ray of hope in the deepest corner of my heart. I pray for you, for that smile that once made tears smile. I pray for love, long gone but not forgotten.

Today I wait, on the edge of the cliff, eager to see the first sign of your arrival. We might have sailed in different directions. But know this, my love, that the earth is round. Whatever it is that you seek, I hope you find it. And then, I hope you come back to me, ‘coz I have found it. It’s with, in, about, and around…you.

I love you.

:) With this, I smile.

When the Thoughts Stopped Flowing...

I opened the door, and there it was.

Things kept flowing in my head. Memories rushed past like express trains. They kept redundantly flashing bits and pieces of what life was like at a time. They reminded me of everything I’ve gained and subsequently lost in time. It was like being present in a big room full of TVs on the walls, each playing a different channel, or in this case a memory from your life. I couldn’t focus on just any one memory. My mind wouldn’t stop spinning. My eyes felt like closing, but I didn’t let them at the thought of missing something important. I knew I had to keep watching.

And then it stopped. It stopped like a broken record. I was standing on the edge of a cliff. I looked down and saw the sea far below, licking the boulders that lay at the spot I was going to hit. I was going to jump. I knew I had already decided. There was no going back. Was there anything that would make me go back to life? All I could see was the end, and I stared closely into the eyes of death as it waited impatiently to take me away to hell. My eyes were full, and I saw, in the blurriness, a teardrop fall into the sea that tasted my pain and held out its arms, waiting for me to embrace its cold arms and get lost into its dark depths. I closed my eyes, praying my last prayer in the hope that He would give me the strength to take the leap. A lightning struck, and it almost sounded to me like it said-“Turn around, my son.”

I turned around, and I was at the far end of a long hallway. It was a dark hall full of dark doors that hid behind them some fresh form of hell. But at the farthest end, I saw light. I saw that one white door, behind which I could see a bright shimmer of light. As I walked past the dark doors, I was reminded of every pain, every sorrow, and every teardrop I had shed. Finally I stopped and opened the twelfth dark door and saw that it led me back, to the edge of the cliff. I looked again, at the bright door that lay, far but real. I ran to the door, my tears blinding me. All I could see was the light. With that as my guide, I ran till I could feel the light right in front of me.

I opened the door, and there it was.

My heart leapt at the memory that came-a smile. A wound-healing smile that could change the way the world seemed. A smile that mattered a lot to me, that smile. Every time those lips part to reveal that smile, my heart would stop beating. I couldn’t imagine a single instance where it didn’t happen. It’s a one-in-a-million kind of smile, that smile.

I stared at the memory, open-mouthed. My heart rose to the pain it had learnt to forget. It started beating again. It beat so loud I could almost hear it. And then surprisingly, my lips curved into a smile. Seeing that smile made me realize how much I had missed it. I had loved everything about and everything connected to that smile. It was that smile that made me want to live, and the lack of which made me not want to. But it was eminent that it had an effect on me. But I had learnt to smile at it. I had learnt to smile at the pain that it brought along. I had learnt to smile at anything and everything that that one smile brought with it.

Life isn’t fair. Sometimes it gets rough. Sometimes you might end up so deep in sorrow that you want to end it right there right then. If and when you’re there, just do one thing. Do as I did. Close your eyes and pray the prayer I did. Pray for the bright door. Pray for the one reason to make you want to breathe again. God will answer. And you will know. So hold on to your last breath. For once!

Remembering Love When Love Was…

It happened a few days back, when I tried to call my best friend for getting dinner. I picked up my phone, not really knowing what I was thinking about. I dialled his number and stared blindly at the screen. I suddenly realized, looking at the name on the screen, that this wasn’t the number I planned to call. I cut the phone quickly and kept it aside, my hunger and all other thoughts of food, gone.

Our mind is a very complex part of our body. It is capable of saying even what we never knew we had in it. On keeping the phone, I realized that I wanted to speak to one person, who I never thought I’d want to call, for a very long time. But my mind told me that in fact I did want to talk to that person. It was a different feeling. But I knew it was true, because I did not think this one up.

I haven’t been a completely good person. I have had my share (BIG share) of sins in my life. And there are quite a lot many mistakes that I have no justification for. Among those lies one of my biggest mistakes- the one that led me to break one heart, and finally ended up breaking my own. I broke a heart that loved. That loved me. And there I was, phone in hand, thinking about dialling that one number that I should have been ashamed out of my guts for dialling. I get lost in my thoughts, and my phone slides out of my hand and onto the floor, the sound of it touching the ground taking me back a few years ago.

Reels of long gone memories glided past me, and I saw it, for the first time, through her eyes. I see the pain, the wounds, the sacrifice, the love, and every small thing that should have at once noticed by me, when instead, I became this heartless monster who never saw into the little that she could give in the boundaries we were tied to. She had always tried to be there for me, and always had something good to tell me when I was dull. But I never saw the good in her, for the good in me was momentarily out of order. With her, it was like being with my other half. She was a great person, and an ever better best friend. Time flew like the wind when I was on call with her, and I never cared for sleep and topics when I used to talk to her.

And then, a small hurdle on the way made me flinch, and see a lot of problems in her, and in the relationship. Her problems were never mine, but mine were hers. I hurt her a lot many times but I never for once had the feeling that she had hurt me.

For a moment I felt like I was at the edge of a cliff, the cliff that was her, and I wanted to jump out to the endless reservoir of water which was the sea. In my thought I slipped and fell, but her hand caught me just in time. My hand slipped, and I fell.

When I got back to being myself, memories of the feeling were still fresh in my mind. Numerous words in ink, short walks down familiar paths, endless waiting, all hit me at the same time. This was probably the best a person has ever felt for me, and the worst and most undeserving reward I gave in return. The sad part of it is that she’s gone now. But the good part is that I now know what I’ve lost, and I probably will never forget that time, the time that Love was.

The Squeaky Fan in My Room

One lazy night after a long tough day at work, I woke up hearing a screeching sound from my room. Well, it definitely wasn’t my roommate snoring, coz I had that checked before. But the sound penetrated my ears and seemed to hit my head like a sledgehammer. I turned on the lights and saw that it was my fan which was making this hell-of –a-racket. I tried and tried to stop it, but in vain. The fan kept screeching and screeching, till it finally stopped. Then started the heat. It was getting hotter by the second. But at some point of time when the heat was getting past unbearable, the fan miraculously started working again, but the screeching didn’t stop. This continued for days. Now we have finally given up, because all the screeching had started giving us a headache. We sleep in the living room now. However, this one time when someone turned the fan on and the screeching started, I thought of how this is weirdly similar to how the broken-heart works.

The heart is a very delicate part of the body. It is very easy to make a heart love you, and even easier to hurt, but the problem is that it knows not to beat for itself. The heart survives on beating for someone else. And that is exactly why it’s very difficult to mend once it is broken. At first it works fine, it learns to love and then grows in love. It dreams like every other heart, builds the tallest castles and wishes the sweetest wishes. And then, when it is wounded, it bleeds. And then starts the screaming. It screams, as all of those castles’ walls are broken and they fall. And then, as the blood is drained from its core, the screaming stops. It watches silently, as those dreams crash and burn to ashes, teardrops falling on the dry ground where it stands. And there it lies; drained of all its life, silent, in the corner of the darkest part of your soul, waiting for the warmth it once felt. It starts to get hard to breathe, hard to beat again for someone else. Whenever the slightest sign of warmth comes close, it starts screaming again, with all the pain rushing in with every beat. It takes a long while for it to learn to beat again.

The squeaky little fan in my room taught me a lot many things. It taught me that no matter how hard it gets, you got to keep on going, even if your heart screams out loud making you deaf to all the pain outside. It taught me that you might lose all hope, and at the time you need it most, you’ll learn to love again. It taught me that at those times when the screaming is causing you unbearable pain, it might be a better idea to move to another room, some place where you learn to ignore that screaming, and the pain. No matter what, you got to keep living.

Hope and Faith

There was once a time

When nothing felt right

In life or a simple game

I lost, over and over, try as i might

A feeling of complete loneliness, I felt

Ended up doing stupid acts, of foolishness

But at that brief moment, at the edge of the belt

You stop and think-"Isn't this an act of selfishness?"

An invisible hand holds you back

God's grace, you see, that's how it works

Even at times when the pain's too much, your head's gonna crack

His wand's at play, and peace-it sparks

God's will, and His power

Can help you climb even the highest tower

Suddenly you realize, it's not so bad

Why on earth should I be feeling so sad?

God-He sees all, He knows your heart

What you love and who loves you, right from start

He sees a way, even at the darkest of times

The Lord has it all planned, Man- he only mimes

To every incomplete story, there's a happy ending

If it ain't happy, oh well, it's just the beginning

So, if any of you think its all done and over

Think once, and a lot more over

It is to us, given by our faith, that God gives Hope

The ability to smile, the strength to cope

Trust in Him, believe there's still scope

'Coz at the end of every sad story, there's still Hope :)

Love, Life And (Right in the middle of it all…) ME!

I sit on my favourite seat, beside a full size window (with a pretty panoramic view of the sky), with my current favourite read-“EAT PRAY LOVE” by Elizabeth Gilbert. While reading, I keep the book down. And I think. I think about relationships-Love and Friendship, to be precise. This pretty clear flashback runs through my mind’s eye, and I realize so many moments, so many relationships I’ve left unnoticed. I’ve lost so much, and I didn’t even know. Or rather, didn’t care.

It’s so crazy that at most times in one’s life, one gets so selfish, that he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what’s really important. And then, at a different phase of your life, you turn back searching for lost moments and dreams, and among the dust covered memories, you find those people-those people who sincerely cared for you (And you didn’t!). And you wish you’d spent more time with them, given them the time they deserved. That’s one side of friendship.

When you think how many of your friends ARE your friends, what answer do you give yourself? Personally, I’ve got no idea. All I know is that there are people who I’ve shared many a great moments with. Then again, those moments needn’t have been that significantly important to them as well, right? So, a piece of advice-Don’t think too much in that direction! (‘Coz you’re finally going to reach a point when you throw your hands up in the air. And say-“Boy! I’m all alone, am I not?”)

I’ve had a lot of friends in this short 22 year long life of mine, and so I’ve made a lot many mistakes as well. A problem I had was that I had a difficulty in accepting the well known act that there are bad people in this world. This led me to believe that everyone wanted the best for me, which in turn obviously led to devastating after-effects. Choose every single friend wisely, ‘coz every single drop matters in this puddle.

LOVE- (too small a word for such a big feeling!) Like every teen of my age, it all started when the hormones started to kick in and I had a series of endless infatuations, crushes, and so on. It took me two slaps (metamorphic ones FYI!) to know that love at first sight, is pure fiction. But here, where I stand at this moment, I have a pretty clear (and somewhat conflictive) definition of Love. Not the present day modern time one-nighters Love, but the kind of Love that makes you want to wake up seeing the same beautiful face for the rest of what’s left of your life- The kind of Love that starts with one person, and ends at that same person.

First of all, for all the filmi girls and boys (like myself), a good news- Love is all that you’ve always wanted. But, as the flip side, it so happens that Love is also all that you’ve never wanted! Love can mean romance, understanding, candle light dinners, bouquet of roses, twilight (the Edward-Bella kind…or the Jacob-Bella kind…OR the Sam-Elizabeth kind), the three words (I Love You!), warm hugs, shoulder to cry on, a hand that keeps us going, and a lot of dreams shared and put together. But, the same Love can also mean fights, tears, heartbreaks, unbearable pain, sacrifice, and letting go, lonely days curled up on the floor beside your bed, long sleepless thoughtful nights, ego clashes, apologies, and other nightmarish feelings. But at the end of it all, you’ve got just one word that hits you- HER (or in some cases, HIM). In spite of all this, you still love that one person. That’s the way Love works! Love is irrevocable and unconditional and never ending.

Yes, I’m in Love! (A question most of you would want answered by now, I’m sure) As a matter of fact, I’m all over it (not just merely in Love)! I’ve seen so many relationships come up and break apart (and I still see many growing stronger…God bless them!). The most beautiful thing about Love is the tremendous faith it puts in you. You learn to accept everything Love throws at you with all your heart and you sow those seeds, nurture it, and let it grow into flowers that prove your love for that person. Sometimes, mortal feelings kick in, and throw you off track. But you get up, dust yourself, stick together the pieces of what’s left of your broken heart and Love again, with all you got.

The most unfair part of Love, is sacrifice. Sometimes, your Love may prosper better somewhere else, and the success of the love you have, is in letting go. This is the best kind of love there is. It is eternal. Timeless. People say that the greatest love stories are tragedies (Romeo-Juliet, Heer-Ranjha, Laila-Majnu, Shahjahan-Mumtaz). If you ask me, they’re kinda right. So, let go of the Love, let it prosper, let it spread far and wide, and you’ll be together again, some day. Keep faith, keep strong, and the Love you have can never be wrong!

Remember, at the end of the journey of Life, as you know it, you’ll have only those few moments, and Love is a major part of it- be it that one person, or your closest friends and family. So spend each moment of your Life wisely, and well.

Cheers!

P.S. To the one I love

I love you. Take care of my heart for me!

The Wishlist of a 22-year-old ME!!

"Twenty two years!!!! Wow!! Its been so friggin long!!!"

This is exactly what only just crossed my mind,sitting here away from family,friends, the love of my life(NO its not a Lamborghini...YET!!!), and all those things i've gotten used to over the years. The funny thing about time is that it seems to slip through so soon when you're with the people you love, and seems to stop when you're alone. Thankfully, I've been blessed with atleast a handful of amazing people wherever I have been. Its probably because of these few people that I've got through so far...alive! These few people have been my safety belt in the frightening rollercoaster ride that's been my life so far. This year, as my 23rd year in this world draws near, I'd like to make a wish list-to God, who sees my life everyday on one of his many TeeVos...(in HD which translates as Heavenly Dimension), A wish list for my life, a prayer i have this year.

God has always been kind to me. He's given me many joys(for which I'm thankful) and many sorrows(for which I'm grateful.) But i've never ever been able to do anything return. This year, I pray to be awakened. I wish for the Spirit in me to open his eyes and see the world as i should see it. The world is nasty, but amidst all the storm and the rain, Hop always shines like a flamboyant rainbow smiling down upon us, and i wish to see that Hope, through Him.

There is one person in this world who I love. I dont need to lie to anyone to say how much I love her. She means a lot lot to me. This year, again, I pray for her and her happiness. I pray for my lost love. Its my first real selfish wish. But its there.

Life is one heck of a rough ride. It's a complex and homogenous mixture of well spaced happiness and indispensable sorrow. I wish to be able to face all that comes my way with courage,humility, calm, and faith. Its never easy to face tough decisions, but its never impossible.

Most of all, I wish for all my friends, family and others to be around always. Those moments that I've had, little things I've gained(that matter a lot more once they're over) Those days lying down on the roof beneath the starlit sky...those shoulders I've cried on, those long drives, the longer phone calls, sweet messages that pop up on the idle screen on your cellphone when you most need 'em-I wish for all those little things and their memories to last forever...!

Dreamers! Do They Exist Anymore???

What is it like to dream? Has anyone thought about what your dreams are worth? And what they mean? Here is what makes every dream important.

Dreams are the gift of God to Man. Among all the living things made by the artistic hands of the Creator,only man has the privilege of dreaming. Now,why is that? I mean,God has a purpose for all the gifts He has bestowed upon us, then how can we explain this baseless gift of dreaming? Let me give you an insight to the way I see it.

God is the best(and the coolest) dreamer in all the realms of the universe put together, and beyond! In order to create such things and bring about such things as the trees, the sky,oceans,the rain,dewdrops,the rainbow,the birds,different colors, and most importantly-Man, one needs to see beyond all possibilities and cross all boundaries and look deeply into one's own self, which in other words mean-Dream! This is exactly what they're made of. A dream is a thought,so deep and so intense, that it gives meaning to our very existence. A dream is one thing that you can push higher and higher. Its that voice in your head that keeps you going even at the most trying times of your life. And it never lies! That voice always speaks what is at a part so deeply locked in our heart that we ourselves may not be able to read it, at times.

Dreams need not always be direct, and also need not always be good ones. They may, at times be a metamorphic representation of our deepest desires, or our darkest fears. And for the same reason, we need to figure out sometimes what they really mean. Deciphering one's dreams can give him a better understanding of his own person.

There may be many of us who read this and agree to every single word. But how many of us actually give a serious thought to our dreams, some of them lifelong desires? The major factor that affects our way of thinking is the word "practical"!

"It's only practical to be this way!"

"It's not practical dude!"

These are words we hear when we ever mention our dreams to other people. In a way, it is not practical, 'coz only if we give it a chance, there's even a remote possibility of it being practical, right? A path not taken forever remains hidden by the mystery of darkness. Everyone's so busy living their conventional busy-and-practical lives nowadays that no one really cares for what really matters to them. Everyone wants the easy way out. The shortcut to happiness(which sometimes equals money). And in this pointless pursuit of happiness they forget their dreams and desires. But I believe strongly that happiness attained by shortcut, is short lived. Happiness is a dish best served cold, meaning the longer it takes to attain happiness, the better it feels when you finally get it!(believe me...I know!)

Dreaming is not about seeing. It's about believing what you don't see. It's about peeping beyond the clouds to the free clear blue sky that lies beyond, who knows where. Dreams are just like the sky-limitless,full of mystery,beautiful,and without boundaries. It is up to us to be chickens, always grounded,living an earthly "practical life", or to take flight. Explore the skies. Look beyond the ordinary, to the extraordinary. Dream!

Bleeding Heart

The heart bleeds in despair,

It bleeds a silent prayer,

For the screaming to stop inside,

To push the pain aside.

Love was never meant to be,

A bullet shot, for its honesty,

Questions left unanswered, it wont suffice,

Without a reason for its sacrifice.

The heart bleeds, it bleeds in despair,

It bleeds a silent prayer,

For the screaming to stop inside,

To push the pain aside.

HOW FAR ARE YOU WILLING TO GO FOR THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE?

"How far are you willing to go for the one you love?"

I start this piece with a question- A question that many of us have asked ourselves, but found no real answers.

Many of us might even be trying to find answers to this question, whether or not the question exists in our heads. Some of us might even be living our lives as answers to this question. One question. One answers. But so so many ways to say it. Here's my view of the answer.

Love. Have you ever tried saying the word, and meaning it?? Its one word that can cover so much adoration, so much care, so much of emotion, so much of trust, and so much of every other beautiful sentiment that exists. Merely feeling the warmth of the word makes us feel so good. Try saying the word incorporating every strong emotion you have for anyone or anything and focusing it on the word as you say it. That's the beauty of it. As we say the word, our souls fill up with this momentary lack of sorrow and the void thus formed is filled with this warm glow.(I really dont think i need to explain,'coz i feel sure I've made at least some of you experience that feeling!)

How important is love to us? We go on and on about love. It's like this, and it's like that, and so on. But at times without realizing we often end up losing love on the sheer basis of our carelessness. Our lack of ability to choose what really matters to us bring about decisions that makes our life devoid of that one presence which makes it worth living. And we end up alone and confused thinking-"Where did I go wrong?" Its important that we know this, 'coz we're missing out on one terrific person who may probably be the One. Why take all this risk??? Why NOT? WHY NOT FOR LOVE?

The worst part of Love are those trying times, when you need to choose between things that are important and Love. If ever you face a situation as such, stop and think for a minute what Love is toyou? Is it all that has mattered to you all this while? Or what is right there, standing with you as you make every stupid decision in your life from that point on? Family, Career, Fame- it all matters. But does it matter as much as those hands that grip you at every trying time? The decision you make after you ask yourself this question is the one decision you'll never forget...Make that decision well.

So...How far are you willing to go for the one you Love???

One Moment That Changes Everything...!!

One moment your world seems so right and to be running smoothly, and the next moment you realise that hey...its been topsy turvy all along!! This one moment in Life...can change so so many things. Life is full of such moments. We find so many situations in Life that goes through an entire changeover due to a single decision or something that happens in a single moment. Like when we're watching a cricket match, and suddenly, a wicket is lost. That one wicket, lost in that one moment, can determine a team's fate in that match. That's how important a moment can be. Every moment in life, hence, matters much more than we think they do.

We often leave so many things out for later. For instance, things like meeting family, donating money to charity, even telling people you love how much you love and care about them. This is so wrong. It takes only a moment to make us repent for having stretched it out so far. You don't know what may happen in the next moment. It's just like something you have, that you don't know the value of till you lose it. But once you lose it, no matter what you do to get it back, you don't. And you won't.

In my life,I've had several chances to redo several of my actions, and I haven't.The feeling of experiencing the loss of that one moment, its crazy, believe you me. So go ahead, live in the moment! Tell the ones you love how much you love them! Smile at that stranger! Buy that dress! Join that dance class! Help that sick child! Waste none of those moments-those moments that make your life worth living!

True Love...What it means to me...

Love. What a word! A word made so perfectly to define such a beautiful feeling. It is truly a word made in heaven, and crafted to perfection by the Creator Himself. It has a meaning so diverse, so pure, that just by saying the word, we transfer so much emotion, so much of positive energy into the surroundings, that it fills up the entire room, and your entire self. Without love, none of the creations would have existed, let alone have a meaning. God made Man because of His Love, Man loves to give meaning to that God given Life.

It is impossible to find a soul on earth who hasn't felt or realised the meaning of Love-whether it be the warmth of Love, giving Love, the need for Love, whatever it may be. The more you run away from it, the more you will need it in the future. Love can be felt right away, or may grow inside you like a plant nurtured by with your Hope, faith, and those countless dreams that you shower upon it. It is always up to us how we want to love, and how we should be loved. It all lies in that one line-"Love...to be loved!"

Which brings us to the question-"What IS Love?" Like i said before, Love is a deep, intense feeling that cannot be felt or touched (literally), or even affectively put into words. Countless writers have dedicated their lives in the quest for finding Love, gifting us with infinite exceptional works in the process. But still...Love, remains a mystery to the human hand, the human mind, but not to the human heart. Then how exactly does one communicate Love to the other??

It is difficult to do the stated. But it is certainly not impossible. This may be done through the heart. You need to express, to feel the love you have for the other, and the feeling must be so pure, so honest, that it creates this aura around you. This you can radiate around you, and make the other feel. All this may sound very complex and mostly gibberish, but it takes only an understanding of your own self, your heart, to do this. And it is effective.

But all this depends on one question:

What does Love mean to YOU? Is it something that you do to feel, or something that doesn’t really have any meaning in your life? Does Love really make your world go round?

There are so many people you see go behind Love and the whole ’finding-the-other-half’ thing. But HOW many among those are real? The fact is that MOST of them are wrong. Most people just want to be in Love for the wrong kind of hype created by films, books and other ways to lose yourself in the wrong idea of what Love is. To be honest, I myself have got lost in several such cases. Thankfully, I was able to realize before it got too late. But this is not the case in many of the present situations and to bring yourself back from such relationships is major pain, to at least one of you. Keep this in mind when you feel that intense need for being with that someone.

There are also some cases where people don’t respect the feeling and just go ahead and tell random people they love them just for the sake of being in a relationship. Guys and girls, learn to respect the feeling. God has given you a heart. But it doesn’t mean you go ahead and throw it around at the face of every random person you meet. Please honour the one you Love, and honour the feeling itself. This is a request, to avoid heartbreaks.

In the other cases, GO RIGHT AHEAD AND TELL THEM HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM. Most love stories end before they even start, because of the fact that they are not told. The reason is that one of the two people tends to over think and also finds the stupidest and lamest of excuses for being dumped by the other. One question-How would you know if you never told? Telling someone you Love them is neither a crime nor something to be embarrassed about. It’s the one confirmation that you have a heart with the ability to love, and that is a rare thing in the world these days. So go ahead and tell them you love them.

When Love fails, what do you do? I’m sorry but I haven’t really found an answer to that one question. But isn’t the failure of your love based solely on how you take the failure to be? Success or failure of YOUR love does NOT, in my opinion, lie on whether you get the other person. It lies in whether your love for the person dies with that, or if it still goes on. So this one question needs to be answered by you. Good luck with that.

Love is a beautiful feeling. It’s the best feeling in the world. Do respect it, and honour it.

P.S. To the girl I Love:”I LOVE YOU.”

The One Month That Felt Longer Than College

You know how people say that one’s college is the best time that he/she has, and how it’s going to feel like you’ve known people at college for almost forever once that time is over? My life has proved otherwise. College had, without doubt, some, or rather, many of the best days of my life. But I never thought I’d gotten to know many good people for a rather long time. More often than not, I’d felt like I’d almost got to know one person and by that time, college was done. It was a very tragic ending to the conventional “best years of my life” at college.

But by some good deed I’d done in my past life, I got placed at a company and I was put into training at Chennai. When I got there, all I could wonder was-“Uhhh…where are the tamilian people??” Reason: MY CLASS WAS FILLED WITH ANDHRA PEOPLE!!!! Oh I was freaked out (understatement), which brings me, to the point when I heard them speak. Now I know that being a south Indian I’d thought I can at least vaguely understand what people mean when they speak in their languages, but this was almost like a foreign language to me. In the midst of all this chaos, one guy, comes up to me, introduces himself, and asks-“Are you a virgin?” Boy was I going to flip or what! But I managed to reluctantly reply-“Yes, and you’d be surprised how many people in this class would be.” He smiled back and sat beside me. That was, surprisingly my first new friend that I never knew I’d be giving a hi-5 to, in a few weeks’ time. Time passed, and I met more people, and I realised how wrong was I to get freaked at the number of strangers I’d first found when I entered the classroom. The Andhra people turned out to be the friendliest people I’d met in a very long time (exceptions and opinions reserved! Period.). My team mates were all from Andhra as well but they turned out to be the dream team. I was lucky to find these people in my life. I also met, specifically, a few other people-a studious snob who I hated at once but I now love as one of my best friends, two dumb but extremely lovable girls, an irritating “fat guy in the back”, a guy who does a perfect imitation of Navjot Sidhu and a girl from college who I’d never really spoken to(Oh and that guy who i'd met on my first day at training ;)). My list of friends just turned up from my roommates and another guy (who is actually a girl) who was known in class as my twin, coz we were so much alike, to a lot many awesome people. And then it was a long list of events-stupid pointless conversations, loud jokes in the middle of a corporate cafeteria (at times injuring people, even faculty, when we tried to be visual), posing for stupid pictures in malls beside the statue like things they put the clothes on, making fun of people for stupid things we imagine them to have done, becoming the noisiest and most awesome gang in training EVER, I was beyond happy. I was thankful, a LOT thankful, and more.

Then something stupid happened. Apparently lady Luck and I had some tiff, because of which she made a lot of my friends move to another place. My best friends, now an indispensable part of my life, were being moved to a new place. I hated it. But at the same time they wanted it, so I HAD to be happy for them. And I was. They left Chennai, leaving a void in all our lives here that can only be filled those few times they visit us. But it was then that I realised, this felt longer than college. It was only three months, but it felt like I’d spent a lifetime with them. I love them all. And I’m still thankful for these handpicked people that God himself sent to me to make my Life a little bit more AWESOME.

Cheers to those guys.

You’re all awesome!

THE HANGOVER

The Hangover is an awesome movie. But this isn’t about the movie. It’s about the hangover one has from relationships. Be it any relationship, a person always has a hangover story to tell once it’s over. This is one such story, and I felt people should know this –especially what’s true and what’s not.

We’ve come across a lot of failed relationships in our lives-our own, our friends’, their friends’, etc etc. What I’ve realised is that the major reason for the hangover is the kind of commitment that goes into the relationship. One friend finds the other to be the person who he/she wants to share all their secrets with, while the other finds that person to be of the acquaintance type. It’s due to this variation in levels of commitment that most relationships fail. Trust is a major factor, but along with it are tied several other factors. There’s not enough space in the web, in the brain, nor enough time in Life for explaining all the factors. But I’ll tell you about this hangover that lasted quite some time.

First of all, one thing to note is that this incident does not point at someone, something, or some incident. This points at one and only one thing- an individual. What happens when a person sees that significant other for the first time, or in cases that does not involve the long clichéd “Love at first sight”, when they realise they are in love? They suddenly get transported, by some means still unknown to Man, to a wonderland, where everything is perfect. All they see, breathe, smell and hear, is the other (one, or at present times, many) person(s). Their world revolves around a central body that they carve out of their imagination (which in most cases are exactly the opposite kind) of the person that they “love”. But somewhere deep inside, is the true feeling they have for the other, which may or may not be Love. Assuming it to be Love, they now start worrying and planning the big presentation, which is by far the most important thing in the first stage of the relationship. The big hyped-up “proposal”, takes, on one hand, several days of thought, practices in front of mirrors(Yes, what you see in movies are true.), long discussions with the best friend, and lots of other things, or in the other, might only take a second to come up with. This is the best part of being in Love (personal opinion, liable to change in every person.).

When the proposal is done, for that brief moment when you wait for the other person’s reply, your mind is a mathematical miracle. It goes through a million permutations and combinations of the probable outcome of the situation, in ways imaginable only to the wildest of creative genius. And then, THE REPLY. If it is a Yes, our heart leaps like a fully revved W12 engine on the fastest car ever, and then for a bit, it stops (True story.). Then starts the second phase, where both individuals are happy, with loads of letters, long conversations at night, gifts, daydreams, and other conventional chick flick stuff. Finally, there comes a time when something goes wrong. Then it is a series of fights, arguments over who was right, long conversations (they always hold up), small intermediate break-ups, getting back together, wondering , even for a moment , that relationship was a total mistake, and then, the calm. If this happens, beware, because this would be the calm before the storm. The third phase is when you start thinking “practically” (biggest cliché ever!). Will mom and dad allow? Will society accept us? What will others think? What does my best friend Blah Blah think about this? People matter. Stories matter. Love barely does.

The break-up can happen in two ways-either you’re the one who breaks up with the other, or you get broken up with. I have seen both sides, so here’s my peek into both lights.

IF YOU’RE THE HEARTBREAKER: Well to put it in one word, if you really did expect a real good relationship and at some point did love the other, you’re going to feel like shit! Sometimes breaking up with someone can be good. But what you need to know is that sometimes giving yourself time when you doubt a relationship can help. The other person might probably love you more than you deserve to be loved, and you might be trampling over a heart that knows only to love you. If you give yourself some time without breaking up, you might actually see this, and realise what a fool you were going to make of yourself.

Also if you do end up breaking someone’s heart, you have to man up and say that “Yes! I broke his/her heart.”, and not roll around on the floor saying it was all his/her fault, and say conventional break-up stuff like “We weren’t meant to be!” and “You’re not my type!”. You did it. You have been the idiot. Accept it! Try and give them the break up they deserve, because you never were man/woman enough to give them the life they deserved. This is the least you can do.

IF YOU’RE THE HEARTBROKEN: You really need to breathe. You need to know that there’s a life ahead of you. Loving a person is great. But it requires a great deal of courage to resist the kind of thoughts that come into your mind at the time when things fall apart. There are people in this world for you. Learn to love those who love and truly care for you. The heartbroken, are those who end up with the hangover.

The moment you realise its over- a spiral of thoughts hit your mind. Why? How? When? Who?-are common hangover-time questions. Take a lot of time, as much as you need, to think and answer each and every question of yours. There is a time when you’re going to bounce back into another relationship the moment you see someone of the opposite sex getting empathetic towards you. Think well before you leap, ‘coz it may as well be towards your next heartbreak.

Once the break up is done, you should try and accept that it has happened. Do not be all drama queen about it and keep thinking that the other person still loves you and that they’ll come back. You’re wasting a lot of precious time here, because the only thing that’s going to result in is that you’ll both be in different parts of the relationship then.

Piece of advice...When heartbroken, remember this-“Always ignore the first set of thoughts that come into your head, because they’re most definitely the worst decisions that you can make.” Sleep on it. Think when you can think clear about it. Never take actions in an impulse, ‘coz you’re definitely going to feel stupid about it soon enough.

Backing up a little, what if that girl said “No”? Be Happy. Think about all those paragraphs of complication written above that you’ve avoided. ;)

The land of the heartbroken is not a happy place, but what you need to know is that this hangover is the bridge that you have to cross to get to wonderland-to get to the love of your life.

SHOR IN THE CITY

Life takes you through several places, several situations, and several people. Some of those places you remember, all your life. Some you cannot forget, no matter how hard you try. There may be times when you want to turn back and be there again. There may be those few times when you wish Life had a fast forward button just so you can get out of that place as quickly as possible. But every time you reach a place in Life, you look around, full of hopes and dreams about your time at that place. This is a little bit about my experience with such places.

Chennai is a city where nobody wants to be. With its extreme heat and humid climate, people don’t even wait to hear more of the city before they run away screaming to some sad place in some corner of the country, or even the world. Even so, when I set foot on the soil of Chennai on this surprisingly long stint, I had a lot of expectations of the place, frankly, not great expectations, bur simply expectations. I landed here on the last week of December, with the hope of getting independent and fly free from what I’d thought was the never ending bondage of dependency on my parents. I’d got this new ray of hope from getting my first job at a reputed IT company, which I was here to join. I came to Chennai with my roommate, college-mate and long-time best-friend, and we managed to get a room at a hotel near the station, thanks to a great friend of my father’s. When I took in the first look of this place, I did not expect any of what this city gave me, and I most certainly did not know that few months from then I’d be cursing the climate of this city. On the other hand, I found the weather quite likeable, and I was glad to start my new life at a metropolitan city. My new job demanded a three month training that included a month of basic training and two months of job-based training. I entered my first session with cold feet, and trembling hands, and the moment the session started, it all ended. My mentors were the awesomest people on the planet and they were nothing less than perfectly equipped to train and guide us through the scary beginning at our first job. For the first few months here, Life was spread out as a series of getting up early, running for training, projects, deadlines, and gearing up for the real scene. At the end of those few months, I had loved the city a lot dearly- for it had some people I loved and cared for. I had friends, and we hung out at all the top spots of the city. It was a noisy ride, and we were all passengers in the best place ever.

Then came the time where training was over, and we had to move to work. Work started, and it was crazy, like getting out of a cage only to find out you’re not ready for the open sky yet. The city started getting more crowded, and we moved to a different part of the city, and of life. Friends started going farther away, and life started getting more serious. The city I once learnt to love started getting darker and I started seeing the downside of the city. The summer got hotter, the crowd more crowded, and the air more polluted. Work was hectic. Weekend plans made had to be cancelled. I missed being in college, or even at training. Life was getting serious, the city was getting serious, and I didn’t like it. I kept on hoping for it to get better. But it didn’t.

Now I’m home, at Kerala, sitting at one of my best friends’ place. Life here is simple, and great, and I love it here. But I still miss the city- the city I’d loved to hate. I see everything I’ve missed to see in the past few awful months- the time we’d taken out to meet each other even in the midst of work, awkward situations at workplace, watching the latest season of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ with my roommate, going to church, where I sit and pray peacefully on Sundays, and all those little things that made me miss that hateful city so much. In all those desperate attempts to hate the city, I’d started loving it like my home.

My first job has its flaws, but my friends, my new found gang is the awesomest, noisiest, coolest most radical gang ever. Life is great, and I’ve learnt to love the city with all its flaws and shortcomings, and the noisiness. I’m out of the cage, but this time, I’m ready to fly.

THE STRANGER IN MY HOUSE-STRAIGHT FROM THE DIARY OF A MONSTER

There are times when things are going so well you don’t realise what’s changing around you. You ignore all those little things that are different and take the positive side to things. But there are times when these little things matter. At times it is the little things that influence change. And change need not always be for the good.

I had recently started a whole new life after college-with all the getting responsible and earning to do. Moving in here was a great decision in my life, ‘coz I have learnt a lot many things from six months back till date. It sure is funny how you doubt if things are working out well enough when they actually are. It was a new place, a new beginning, a fresh start, the list goes on.

In short, Life was going good. My once turbulent life was coming to calm with the new job, a new place, a new house-a brand new beginning. Life went from home to office on weekdays, and exploring the city on weekends. I had good people around me. We had loads of fun together, with good fun and laughter. It was a great life, and drugs and alcohol never played a role in the fun we had, which was even greater.

One day, while I was getting ready for office, I had this strange feeling. A feeling like there’s someone else in the house, like someone was watching me. It was this chill that ran up my spine, like when you get suddenly aware that there’s someone else around-someone who you don’t know. I tried to avoid the feeling, thinking it was just me. But then, it got weirder. People started complaining. They started saying how rude and painfully straight forward this guy was. They started feeling uncomfortable around him. My friends told me He had to go. But the thing was that I had never seen this guy all this while. The more I tried to find him, the more distant he seemed to get. I was aware of his presence, but I still couldn’t see him around. He wandered like a lost soul around me. My nights started getting sleepless, my days got restless, and I had no idea why.

Finally I decided to come to the bottom of it. I wanted to know who this guy was- a guy who without even existing in my life, seemed to change it for the worse. I looked all around, talked to many people, tried many ways, but I just couldn’t get a clue to where I was heading. I got back home, tired and weary, and I happened to cross the bathroom. And I saw HIM! I saw him looking at me, with those eyes that said something and his face something on the contrary. And then it hit me. I was looking at the mirror. The stranger in my house was me.

You know, when you have to go through tough times, your mind makes itself immune to certain things. Pain is one such and brutal changer. It changes your mind to considerable levels that you forget to judge who you really are, or if you are the same person you were before. When small things hit your life, you don’t realize how you change because the change sometimes makes you stronger. But when Pain strikes, your mind gets extra vigilant and it evolves into a senseless and defensive object that cannot feel much. The heart is a similar organ. The harder it is hit, the stronger it gets, sometimes even too strong that it forgets to feel. This is what happens in certain cases, like mine. I had forgotten the person I was back in college, to my friends, to my family, to everyone around me. I had metamorphosed into this heartless monster who did not want new people around me. This had made Life difficult for a lot of people who really loved and cared for me. When I looked at myself in the mirror that day, I saw my face- it had changed. My eyes did not have the love it did for people like it did before. All I could see were the anger, the self-resentment, the pain, and the hatred for strengthening relationships that made me repel any acts of kindness or friendliness shown towards me. This wasn’t who I wanted to be. But this was who I was.

Life hasn’t changed much since that day. I’m still almost the same person. But the beast has finally tamed and is trying to accept kindness into its heart. The stranger has left. Now it’s just me, and a few people I love in my heart.