The Love that Never Was...

I stared into the silence.

I could hear my heart beat.

Thup thup…thup thup…thup thup….

Endless…

I could sense the pain in my insides. But no tears came. None at all.

None.

It was a state of helplessness. As though I had a heart just to keep me alive.

And nothing else. Nothing else.

I gulped the pain away, put up my fake smile and walked to class.

 **********

You know how you always dream of being with someone- that perfect woman or man and build a life around that person? How we always look for that one person in a crowd, and when we do find him or her, fall in love and live a happy life ahead?

What a load of bullshit!

I know this girl, this perfect girl, someone you can just hold in your arms and watch days pass by. She was someone I didn’t know for long, but managed to rip my mask out and unveil the person I am to the world.

Thank god the world was blind.

She saw through me like glass, and it wasn’t long before she’d read me like a million times, through and through. She stayed around while I was working, and we talked, and talked, and had such an amazing time.

Time that we often forgot existed.

And then that day, when she told me how she felt about me, and I looked out for that person who I needed beside me, I realised that it was her, and her alone. Our eyes met, and I was struck by something I’ve never seen in my life.

Innocent, childlike, pure, unconditional love.

I held on to her hand like I never wanted to let go. I felt her hand like I was trying to remember it, etch it in stone in my memory, and scar myself with it. I smelled her sweet innocent scent like it was oxygen for me, and my heart. I lived, for once, in the warmth of her shoulder, and felt alive, more than I had in years.

And then the heart stopped beating.

For the first time, I felt time pass, and I felt her hand slipping, felt darkness creeping up on me. I kept seeing a face, another face, and it haunted me. I was with this perfect girl, and yet.

I was in love with someone else. Someone I knew would never love me back. Someone I knew would never probably be able to love me.

But I loved this girl too.

I knew there was a clause to my happiness here. But there was a cold storm in front of me, and I had one way to go. I walked on, with the warmth of her hand as my comfort. I got lost in the storm, and I held on. I held on till I realised she wasn’t there anymore. I grabbed blindly at the darkness, only to realise she was gone.

The storm ended. The sky cleared out. It’s bright and sunny again.

But the darkness of that perfect love remains.

That incomplete, yet perfect love.

Shoulder of the Year

I’ve wondered which the most important part of our body is.

The eye to see the beauty around us, the ear to listen to the melodious symphony of the world, the heart to emote and love, are all important and recognised.

 One part of the body seldom mentioned is one’s shoulder. The moment you read 'shoulder', you would have gone “Whaaaaat?” in your head. But yes, you did read it right. The shoulder.

Imagine one of those days when life was all dull and low, or when you only had gone through one of life’s tragedies. You best friend comes over and you hug her/him, and find solace in the comfort of their shoulder. Or think of one of times when the girl/guy you love puts her/his head on your shoulder and tells you how much she loves you.

Instant relief, that’s the word.

Every embrace has the shoulder involved. Whether it be of a mother embracing the child, protecting him/her from the calamities of the world, or of the brother comforting the sister for her loss in the finals of her badminton match. The shoulder experiences love, joy, happiness, sorrow. It has always amazed me why it was never realised till date, well not in my experience at least.

Speaking of which, this piece is about how, like the shoulder, your value is often lost because of the involuntariness or whatever it is that makes you so insignificant when you’re the shoulder people lean on.

I’ve had a lot of experience with people. Now obviously this does NOT make me an expert of people, but that’s never really stopped me from saying anything about it. And I help my friends out, just like any other friend does, or at least like I assume, does. When they have a problem, and they come to me, crying sometimes, I offer them the shoulder to cry on, lean on, rest on, or just wait for retrospection, as it sometimes does happen. But what I found out is that sometimes NOT being there is the key to finding value in life. I have no complaints with the way things work out in life for me, but I can’t help but wonder why this happens. 

Word is that when you’re around people and hang out with them too much, they lose interest in you. 

Even I know that’s full of crap.

The more you get to know someone the better you should be able to understand what that person’s needs are, and hence know if he needs a hug, or a warm squeeze of the hand. I’ve been there for a lot of my friends, and lately I’ve given support to many. They keep telling me how good a shoulder I’ve been to them and how I’m a great friend and all the other conventional bullshit you hear from people. And what happens when I need someone around? 

I don’t think it’s necessary to write that one down for you to guess it.

I’m upset. I need a shoulder to lean on to. It’s sad really that I even have to ask for it. 

Good Mr.Shoulder –of-the-Year has no shoulder to lean on.

The irony of it all.

Rain

Oh Rain Oh Rain,
You beautiful little thing,
Stopping you, vain,
You disappear, swift wing.

The wet grounds here,
Smell like bliss,
S'long as you're near,
Icy breeze, hard to miss.

Tomorrow, might burn,
We know not,
But today, we learn,
To love you, dot by dot.

Love, is it?

I saw her smile
I saw her shy
I loved her still
I don't know why

I saw her swear
Heart  beat snare
I saw her sway
Yet blown away

Shades of two
I see her be
Black and blue
Yet red to me

She's quiet at times
Irresponsive
Talks, mostly mimes
And yet so active

Promises broken
Hearts smitten
Distances grew
Butterflies flew

I see her smile
Innocent
Once, but a while
Translucent

I see her laugh
Louder and louder
And whilst she took off
My heart just missed her.

She comes off, I stress
Innocent
Her actions speak less
Heart confidant

She's charming
Wanderlust
My world, turning
Daylights lost

She lives, her being
As she sees fit
And yet this feeling
Love, is it?