2011 has been…well…weird…
For a start it was a mixture of different experiences. Like a wide range of them.
It all started with my job- my first attempt at making me some kind of life. But as it turns out, life was left outside the entrance of the company the first day I entered office. And when I left work every day, I had to go pick it up from the doorstep. The months were spread out with long days and frustrated situations, and I started realising how very less prepared I had been for this. But as time passed, life got more and more monotonous, and I slowly blended into the homogeneity that my life had turned out to be.
Friends. One reason for life. I met a set of some of the greatest people I’ve ever met till date. There were people among them whose kind I had always avoided all my life. Wonder why. The first few months of my life were full of these people until slowly, they dissolved into their own. The rest of the months had frequent visits and sometimes eventful weekends. But most of the days were normal and quite not at all exciting, which is not a good thing for a guy like me.
As I sat on a hot day (which is any other day in this city I’ve made my nest), I realised I was so close to my dream and yet I’d done nothing about it. I decided, in that moment, to do something about it.
Which I did.
My design classes were one of the highlights of this year. I learnt from very able minds, what my dream was all about. I realised I shared interests and dreams with more people, and being around them made me feel very connected and very much like I belonged. Joining those classes were one of the best decisions I’ve made this year.
Speaking of good decisions, I noticed I’ve always had a love for writing. I realised how soothing writing is to me. And when I sit in front of my PC and start typing in my thoughts they just keep on going (My typing speed has increased considerably.). I now author two blogs almost regularly, and I’m glad there are at least a handful of people who’ve read them. Writing makes me happy, and that has been one of the top realisations this year.
My relationship, which was a pretty long one, ended this year, well, for me. I realised so many factors that judge a relationship and my lessons were long, hard ones. But they helped me grow, as a person and as a lover. That girl meant (and still means) a lot to me. But she’s gone now, and I’ve learnt to accept that. The best lesson I’ve learnt is that in a failed relationship, there’s mostly never one person to blame. It always is the contribution of both people, and in certain, weird cases, a lot of third persons. But when it fails, you should learn to love that person outside that relationship. When you do that, you grow stronger and slowly grow out of it. Love is a beautiful thing. And it is a thing for the blessed.
I made some of the greatest music discoveries this year. The one that tops the list is Adele. I fell in love with her. And I still am. She is one of the most soulful musicians I’ve ever heard. She’s got it all. Her heart flows out of her music. And I love her for that. Other new entries that top my playlist this year are Lady Antebellum, Brad Paisley, Keisha, Kari Jobe and Christina Grimmie. Music has been my oxygen and these people are my favourites this year.
In spite of all this, there was never a stop to the endless days when I felt like picking up my bags and leaving the life I led. But there were a few people, and a few moments, standing at the exit, waiting to give me a reason to drop my bags there and go back to my life. And for that, I’m grateful.
Life has juggled between good and bad. But at the end of it all,
I’ve written a very good exam.
I’ve successfully completed about 30 pieces in my blog and two chapters of a book.
I’ve been a part of a very good team at work.
I’ve made a lot of new friends.
I’ve met two great girls who’ve ignited my belief in the existence of good girls out there.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes and a few very good decisions.
I’ve gotten closer to my family and they understand me a lot better.
I’ve learnt to love my life in all its imperfection.
The end of a year leaves me standing at the edge of the tall cliff that is 2011. The unexplored depth of the sea of life ahead awaits me. But today I can say with full faith and belief.
I’m diving in.
2012. It starts from now. This moment.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Bleeding Heart
(Pulled out from the dusty depths of an old book)
The heart bleeds in despair,
It bleeds a silent prayer,
For the screaming to stop inside,
To push the pain aside.
Love was never meant to be,
A bullet shot, for its honesty,
Questions left unanswered, it wont suffice,
Without a reason for its sacrifice.
The heart bleeds, it bleeds in despair,
It bleeds a silent prayer,
For the screaming to stop inside,
To push the pain aside.
The heart bleeds in despair,
It bleeds a silent prayer,
For the screaming to stop inside,
To push the pain aside.
Love was never meant to be,
A bullet shot, for its honesty,
Questions left unanswered, it wont suffice,
Without a reason for its sacrifice.
The heart bleeds, it bleeds in despair,
It bleeds a silent prayer,
For the screaming to stop inside,
To push the pain aside.
A Day of Silence
The sun had risen,
But the warmth hadn’t touched my heart.
The day had begun,
But my eyes were still staring at the dark.
It was a usual day, nothing was different,
But I missed something, something apparent.
I kept staring at the phone, with no reason.
While rain poured outside, with change of season.
I had nothing to say, nothing to do,
Than stare at the screen like it was new.
The close passed noon, slow and sure,
I waited still, hunger and all no more.
All I wanted was a voice, one message,
Some kind of sound to break the silence.
When none came, my soul felt age,
Although none of this made sense.
Why did this make so much of a difference?
Why was this darkness so unnerving?
So dull was this day of silence,
I longed for a word that’d get me smiling.
Who are you, whose absence matters so much?
Why this impatience, being just a day since we’ve not spoken?
I want to get close to you, yet stay far.
I still want to hear a word, know how you are.
I’m waiting.
But the warmth hadn’t touched my heart.
The day had begun,
But my eyes were still staring at the dark.
It was a usual day, nothing was different,
But I missed something, something apparent.
I kept staring at the phone, with no reason.
While rain poured outside, with change of season.
I had nothing to say, nothing to do,
Than stare at the screen like it was new.
The close passed noon, slow and sure,
I waited still, hunger and all no more.
All I wanted was a voice, one message,
Some kind of sound to break the silence.
When none came, my soul felt age,
Although none of this made sense.
Why did this make so much of a difference?
Why was this darkness so unnerving?
So dull was this day of silence,
I longed for a word that’d get me smiling.
Who are you, whose absence matters so much?
Why this impatience, being just a day since we’ve not spoken?
I want to get close to you, yet stay far.
I still want to hear a word, know how you are.
I’m waiting.
A Face Difficult to Erase
The night goes long,
The sight gets strong.
Once seen, a face
Gets difficult to erase.
A word not spoken,
A step, not taken.
This feeling still lingers,
A longing ,my life, still hinders.
The last goodbye,
Etched that face to my eye,
Until the next hello,
It won’t mellow.
I wish to see,
That face, beauty,
The distance between,
Though far, may seem.
That face, that face,
I wish to see.
That face, that face,
Difficult, to erase.
The sight gets strong.
Once seen, a face
Gets difficult to erase.
A word not spoken,
A step, not taken.
This feeling still lingers,
A longing ,my life, still hinders.
The last goodbye,
Etched that face to my eye,
Until the next hello,
It won’t mellow.
I wish to see,
That face, beauty,
The distance between,
Though far, may seem.
That face, that face,
I wish to see.
That face, that face,
Difficult, to erase.
Living in the Past- The Journey from One Stranger to Another
“The stranger had left. It was just me, and a few people I loved in my heart.”
(Continued From “The Stranger in the Mirror”)
By Vinay Krishnan
“A part of me just stood there, while the rest of me was pushed away to where I am today.”
I stared at myself in the mirror. Who had I become? I couldn’t relate myself to the one who looked back at me. I could see the burning in his eyes. He had a lot to share, but very few words to speak. He choked as I realised I’d forgotten to breathe. As I looked away from that hideous image of my own true self, I had decided one thing. My life was going to be different now. Or I was at least going to try.
Days turned to weeks, weeks to months. My attempts to let go of the pain kept failing. I did not know why the pain never went away. There were times when I almost forgot about its existence, and then again it’d surface, stronger than ever. I’d lost complete hope in myself, and in my existence.
Then one day, as I was going through some old mails, I saw those messages- her messages. I knew I didn’t have the courage to read them again. But Man’s involuntary curiosity urged me, and I did.
As I read through the past, I realised several mistakes I’d done. All those times I’d got hurt, I’d hurt her too. All those times I’d been left alone in the dark, she was bleeding too. She’d been cut, several times, by my words, my actions, my neediness. But she bled her tears silently, without complaining; only becoming stronger in the process. As I sank into the depths of my despair, her wings grew stronger. It was only a matter of time before she flew away, far from the dark waters where I’d made my roof. She was gone. That was the past, and now the present, and for what it seemed, the future.
My past enveloped my life into a bubble, one that if burst, would scatter the shattered remains of my heart throughout my present and my future. I was locked inside that bubble. And it was time for me to get out.
I found solace in a few people- God, my roommate and best friend, my parents, and my life. They were patient, trustworthy, and spoke little when I had to speak. Slowly but surely, I started to live, not one yesterday at a time, but today. It felt good. I felt alive. I was breathing again.
I have never been able to let go of certain things in my life. They were things that were important to me, feelings that I’ve felt were real to me. Letting go of them meant letting go of a part of myself. There was that part of me that stayed in my past, abandoned by the sorrow of being left there by someone he once loved most. I had to go back and get him, so I could show him the promises of the future.
Today I’m happy. I have a dream, a new roof made of clouds and sunshine, and most importantly, I have my present. And I have someone, a stranger, who I hope, one day, will accompany me on my journey to bring back that boy who stayed behind. Life has been a flash, from the stranger in the mirror, to this stranger whom I’ve learnt to love.
(Continued From “The Stranger in the Mirror”)
By Vinay Krishnan
“A part of me just stood there, while the rest of me was pushed away to where I am today.”
I stared at myself in the mirror. Who had I become? I couldn’t relate myself to the one who looked back at me. I could see the burning in his eyes. He had a lot to share, but very few words to speak. He choked as I realised I’d forgotten to breathe. As I looked away from that hideous image of my own true self, I had decided one thing. My life was going to be different now. Or I was at least going to try.
Days turned to weeks, weeks to months. My attempts to let go of the pain kept failing. I did not know why the pain never went away. There were times when I almost forgot about its existence, and then again it’d surface, stronger than ever. I’d lost complete hope in myself, and in my existence.
Then one day, as I was going through some old mails, I saw those messages- her messages. I knew I didn’t have the courage to read them again. But Man’s involuntary curiosity urged me, and I did.
As I read through the past, I realised several mistakes I’d done. All those times I’d got hurt, I’d hurt her too. All those times I’d been left alone in the dark, she was bleeding too. She’d been cut, several times, by my words, my actions, my neediness. But she bled her tears silently, without complaining; only becoming stronger in the process. As I sank into the depths of my despair, her wings grew stronger. It was only a matter of time before she flew away, far from the dark waters where I’d made my roof. She was gone. That was the past, and now the present, and for what it seemed, the future.
My past enveloped my life into a bubble, one that if burst, would scatter the shattered remains of my heart throughout my present and my future. I was locked inside that bubble. And it was time for me to get out.
I found solace in a few people- God, my roommate and best friend, my parents, and my life. They were patient, trustworthy, and spoke little when I had to speak. Slowly but surely, I started to live, not one yesterday at a time, but today. It felt good. I felt alive. I was breathing again.
I have never been able to let go of certain things in my life. They were things that were important to me, feelings that I’ve felt were real to me. Letting go of them meant letting go of a part of myself. There was that part of me that stayed in my past, abandoned by the sorrow of being left there by someone he once loved most. I had to go back and get him, so I could show him the promises of the future.
Today I’m happy. I have a dream, a new roof made of clouds and sunshine, and most importantly, I have my present. And I have someone, a stranger, who I hope, one day, will accompany me on my journey to bring back that boy who stayed behind. Life has been a flash, from the stranger in the mirror, to this stranger whom I’ve learnt to love.
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