Love at Gunpoint

He closed his eyes

She opened hers

His head filled with cries

Memories hurt her like curse

She was all he needed

He always made her smile

But now his heart, bleeded

She had missed him, now a while

His love, it was taken

Her heart only just realised

He wished never to awaken

His number, she tried and tried

He heard the phone, ringing

She stood at the end, praying

His hand moved up, gun held tight

She had to go now, it was close to night

Sweat trickled, down his forehead

She ran, out her house to his

For one last wish, he prayed

She looked for a sign in the darkness

He wanted to be with her

She wanted to be with him

He pulled trigger till he heard sound

She ran blinded, in love and tear

He felt his head hit ground

She sensed his pain and fear

His vision blurred, blood draint

She opened the door, to see him dying

He saw a blur, familiar, faint

She ran to him, crying

He heard her voice, heard her say

She told him, over and over, “I love you”

He smiled as his breath was taken away

She begged for his life, through and through

He died at the arms of love

She looked at the love she let go of

His wish, it did not disappoint

But she’d lost her love, her love at gunpoint.

I Need You

Stroke my cheek

Feel my breath

Need not speak

Just be my strength

Come close

Hug me tight

Nose to nose

Kiss me light

Hold my hand

Fondle my hair

Walks on sand

With time to spare

Let the tears fall, noiseless

On the space beneath my hair

While I lay motionless

On your lap, right there

Close my eyes

Touch my lips

Brush my lies

Off those tips

Stay close

Stay true

Close doors

I need you.

The Void

Emptiness.

There are several ways to describe the lack of something, whatever it may be. A space left blank, a chunk broken off something, whatever it may be. But that broken piece, once gone, can never be replaced. The same appearance, feel, the appropriateness of the missing piece can never be restored.

Man has never been a lone being. His or her survival has always been like a dependent equation. It depends on society. On people. On others. There are many variables surrounding us. In the crowd of those variables, some attach to our equation like an addend, a subtractive, a multiplicand, or a divisor. That is how it has been, and how it always will be. So, quite obviously, we will have a few people who matter, those people who will be there for you. And one among them who will make it seem like they are a part of your very soul. A part attached to your being, a part dissolved into the immortal part of the self, on this very mortal world. And one day when you wake up, you find that part gone, lost, replaced.

By a void.

What does the lung do without the air canal?

What does the tree do without water?

What does a fish do without water?

What does the heart do without blood?

The feeling brought upon us by the void is uncanny. You won’t know how to explain its existence. You won’t be able to define how it feels like. There are even instances when we don’t believe it is there. But at a point of our lives, we feel it. We feel it so intensely, that our insides scream. There are times when we are so overpowered by the void that we are rendered inactive. It’s there, and we’ll know it. We just won’t accept it.

What do we do about it?

One word. Relapse.

What do we do if we break a hole into our house wall? We try and fill it up with something that looks like it, something to hide the fact that the hole is there. Something to make it seem to the people who look at it, that it’s not really there. And one day, that replacement is going to fall off, break apart, or rot away, and the hole is going to reveal itself.

Emptiness can never be filled if it is neglected. If a lamp is broken in your room and it leaves a dark spot, you don’t ignore it, but you embrace the fact that it’s there and you try and fix it. The void is only going to worsen if you ignore it. The only way to overcome that void is to accept it. Try to realise that it cannot be filled again in the same way. If there is a large hole on land, it might not be possible to fill it up with the same missing portion of land. Instead, if it is filled with water, it becomes a lake. And that isn’t so bad now, is it?

Life is definitely going you have a lot of peaks and voids. If there has ever been someone who has disappeared from your life, and has left that void in it, do not try to ignore that emptiness. Try and accept that emptiness into your life and fill it with a whole lot of joy and happiness that will certainly not replace that person, but will help you make the most of that space.

Emptiness- it only gives you room for more.

Sandcastles in the Sand

Watching “How I Met Your Mother” never brought this kind of a thought in my head.

In a certain episode, one of the leads Robin, played by Cobie Smulders, sings a song titled ‘Sandcastles in the Sand’. It got me thinking, of what that set of words represent in our lives.

Childhood- the innocence it represents is something we can’t explain. That part of our lives represents pure joy, and those blissful moments that shaped us into who we are.

How many of us remember our happiest moments from our childhood? Most of us will have one memory attached to our head. I have one such memory, and it is attached to a set of people I knew as my best friends. I was in my teens and I lived in the best city in the world.

Mumbai. Thanks to a transfer my dad got, I moved into this city- the city of dreams. This is where my childhood, at least the important part, was spent. And to spend it, I had a few people around me. Life as simple, and it was awesome.

Days would start all happy and bright. I’d wake up to persistent calls from my dad, which I’d repeatedly ignore till he poured water in my ears. I’d jump up from my dreams, mostly involving large robots and ninja fighters (Big fan of Transformers, Pokemon and Ninja  Robots), and drag myself through breakfast and morning chores.

I’d then pick up the intercom and call my next door neighbour, a boy who was around 5 years younger to me, and my trusted buddy. Then the call would go to a brother and sister from the house downstairs, and a girl who lived in the first floor. There were a few others who came and went. But we were mostly there. We were the Rad Five (at a time when Secret Seven were the coolest kids in town), and we were awesome.

We were also joined by neighbours from the adjoining building, a pretty girl and a guy whose birthday was the next day after mine. Also with us were two of my other best friends, a mallu guy with whom I’ve never spoke in Malayalam, and a Bengali football playing Manchester United-crazy dude with an awesome thing for music and art. They slowly became an indispensable part of our gang, and it was greater than ever.

Time flew like Superman and with the speed of Flash. We spent lazy evening playing Hide n Seek, Monopoly, Carrom, Table tennis, Football, and a load of other games that one can picture form their childhood. Evening snacks from the supermarket close by, and the walk there, trading Pokemon cards, fighting with the neighbour kids for Holi, a lot of inner conflicts, poorly choreographed dance shows- the list was endless. But at the end of the day, we’d all kick back and relax at the small idea of a clubhouse we had made below the slide in the playground. We’d talk about worldly issues concerning favourite cartoons and upcoming movies, till the first among us was summoned from upstairs. We built our sandcastles in the sand with our smiles, dreams and friendship.

Times were the best, but ironically, also the enemy. We had to go our separate ways as we grew up and got new interests. I haven’t heard from a few of them for a very long time. But I know that if and when we do meet, it’s going to be like old times, and it has been with those who I’ve met recently.

Our sandcastles may have been hit by the waves of time. But while the innocence and childish playfulness might have mostly been washed away, the castles still remain, worn out and skeletal, but still evident.

Here’s to those few kings and queens of my sandcastles in the sand.

Chameleon Heart

Never  still, never quiet,

As unpredictable as silent night,

One moment, needless to say,

Can tune, alter your beat away.

Loving one, then another,

Only constant, for dad and mother.

Sometimes death, at times life you desire,

Sometimes tears like rain, or wrath like fire.

There are times when you disappear,

And times when I feel you’re close, my dear.

I’ve never been without you,

Without you have I never been true,

But every time you change colour,

Love loses all its splendour.

Why, oh why, have you be to change,

Give me feeling and needs so strange?

Loving one, then another,

Only constant, for dad and mother.

Cry out loud, for need of solace,

Bleed alone, pay your own malice.

Someday, you’ll see, you’re going to die,

Some corner, you’ll rot, for every lie.

Hasn’t your thirst satisfied?

Hasn’t your wickedness, died inside?

Why do you change faster than season?

Why do you want, hatred and treason?

It’ll all perish, all of you and your skew,

One day, when this knife pierces through.

Oh chameleon heart, pure inside,

Have you forgotten, the last time you cried?

Do you know how much you mean to me?

“I have met many women in my life. Pretty women. Amazing women.
Then why do I still look for imperfection in them? The imperfection that I have learnt to love.
The imperfection I saw.
In you.

You were someone who was never the kind of girl who I’d seen myself fall in love with. I always pictured this girl with beautiful eyes, long hair, and an aura that would make people go “Wow” the moment she entered the room. She’d be a traditional girl. She’d be the sweetest and most well-spoken girl in the world, and I’d come home every day to the food she’d cooked for me and the tea she’d made for me. She’d be tall, quiet, reserved, and would always be there for me. She’d be the most perfect kind of girl for me. And I was in love with this idea of a perfect woman. And I knew she’d come for me.

Who knew I’d meet you?

You came into my life, as a girl I’d only seen around but never talked to.
As a girl who I spoke to once just because you thought we had a similar upbringing.
As a girl I’d smile at when we met at the corridors.
As a friend who I’d talk to once in a while and then slowly, a lot more often.
As someone who I could talk about anything under the sun.
As a person who I’d trust with everything that happened in my life.
As a girl who’d hurt me when she told me about her crush on someone else.
A girl who was in no way perfect, but who still made my heart leap every time I heard her voice.
A girl who I realised I did not want to lose.
A girl who I wanted to be beside when she was ill.
A girl who I would risk everything for.
A girl who I’d love, and love more than anything else.

You came into my life and brought down all my mental images of the perfect woman I’d learnt to love over the years. I had forgotten all about that person. The reason? NO idea!

You were simple. You had absolutely no regard for looking good. You were rude, blunt and quite heartless at times. You were stubborn, and wouldn’t listen to anyone else. You had this thing called “practicality” that you’d never let go of. You were real and had absolutely no self-control when it came to anger. You’d sometimes go blah blah, and I’d have to listen to it without sleeping off in between. You’d break my heart over and over again with your hurtful words and your temper. You couldn’t cook, let alone make proper tea, or coffee.

But in spite of all this, you blew me away every time you smiled at me. You made me smile when I had the roughest of days with your kind words and support. You used to give up and say sorry first even when I wouldn’t let go of my ego. You would tell me how much you loved me after long hours of fighting. You’d understand if I slept off in the middle of a phone conversation and hear me sleep till the phone’s charge went off. You’d break my heart, only to avoid breaking it further. You’d love me, and I’d be the happiest man in the world. And I was. And I am.

Being with you was like attending life skills classes. There’s no limit to the kind of things I learnt in my life. I learnt to be patient to not lose my temper with you. I learnt to be caring, and real to be a responsible partner to you. I learnt to avoid repenting for the things I’d done and instead do something about it. I learnt to forgive and to forget. I learnt to shut up and listen. I learnt to cook, and to not burn what I cook, so I can make you breakfast in bed. I learnt to love and to risk in life, so I could love you every day and spend the rest of my life with you. All this I learnt and more and I learnt them through you.

I won’t say life’s been unfair to me when it took you away from me. And I certainly am not complaining for the fact that it’s over. But I want you to know this, even though the love may have died and its soul lost in the darkness of the unknown road ahead.

I want you to know how much you mean to me.”

A lot many people have been lucky to find this perfect imperfection in their lives…
This goes out to them…from my heart…to theirs…

Unanswered Questions

Inspired from a message from a dear friend….
Voiced By Vinay Krishnan

Why did she love me?
Why did she leave me?
When she came to the party,
Why didn’t she see me?
That first time we met,
That time I proposed.
That first date,
That time we first kissed.
Why do those moments seem,
To disappear like they never existed?
What do they mean?
If they never embraced our love, and felt it?
What was that line
That said she needed me and none other?
Was she ever mine
If she left me for some another?
Songs that I sang about how I felt
Lines that I wrote about her beauty
Gawd! I know that’s not how it is spelt
But why did I, to find her a flower, roam the entire city?
All those moments,
All those times.
All those raindrops, witnesses,
All those that sounded like chimes.
Still as I take my last breath of air,
I ask myself, to a life lonely.
Why did she love me?
Why did she leave me?