Pillow of Comfort

Lying on the edge of the cliff

I wonder why my feet are stiff

Why could I not dive under?

Than let life itself plunder

Been hearing the same story

Over and over

Waiting for my moment of glory

For the happy ever after

Love songs, melodies

Romance, rhapsodies

Under my bed hidden

Like fairytales, downtrodden

In the sun I see no brightness,

But the scorching heat.

In the moon I see no fairness,

But the crater sheet.

Music seems silent

Silence seems loud

The heart seems violent

Raging all about.

In all the chaos

I asked for a sign

For better or for worse

A gesture benign

And here I am

In the darkness of my room

Smiling like an innocent lamb

In the comfort of my pillow

Changes are certain

Hurt I may not contain

But for all the pain and hurt

I have my pillow of comfort

Broken promises

Broken hearts

Sadness convert

In my pillow of comfort.

The Cloud

"Sometimes I see a dark cloud,
A cloud that whispers without a sound,
Give it up, my boy, it says,
You've never been there anyways.

I stare at it, once, twice,
I hear it's loud and wounded cries,
I laugh at it all, all of it,all,
And smile as I see that cloud fall."

My two minutes with the suicidal ant

(Not for the faint hearted)

I just turned the shower on, when I saw an ant flowing with the water. I blocked the flow with my slipper and shifted the ant to the other end of the bathroom, and turned to continue taking my shower.

A minute later, I saw the same ant flowing again, helplessly, towards the drain. I put the slipper again, and it hopped on. The ant started running towards the edge again when I lifted the slipper up and put the ant onto a completely dry place. The ant then ran all the way by the wall, above the drain, and dived!

RIP Mr.Ant. I wish you knew how much there is to life.

The Boy Who Loved a Wall

Indifference.
With blurry eyes, the boy picked up the flower, and threw it again.
Indifference- cold, dark indifference.
The ground, moist now, let out a whisper, a cry, asking him to give up.
And he looked on.

He was a normal kid. He had dreams, smiles, and a lot of memories- good and bad. He had good friends, good parents. But there was always a disconnect he felt with the world, for he always sought to find someone, someone who could and would never leave him. That person would be the start and end of his world, the world that sometimes threw stones at him, mocked him for his gentleness, and despised his empathy for life. He wrote letters, made messages in bottles, and dreamed of the day he’d meet that person. In that person he saw his best friend, accomplice, confidant, and everything he solely needed.
One day, as he passed the street he always went by, he saw a dark unseen passage. He’d always gone that way, and yet had never noticed that alley. He put his foot on the dark shadow that was cast by the boundaries of the alley, and a chill ran up his spine.
He was mesmerised by the fear he had of walking down that path. He walked into the depths of the darkness and silence that lay hidden in the path ahead. For a while he didn’t see a soul. And at the end of the tunnel of darkness he saw light, a small glimmering sheen of light.
He ran to it and saw, to his awe, a wall.
It stood there, motionless, strong. It was probably a normal brick wall, but to him, it had the magnificence of a mountain, and the beauty of the night. He stood there, staring at it, and he knew he’d found that person.
He spent days talking to it- laughing, singing to it, sharing his problems with it, sometimes using its shoulder for comfort. Days turned to weeks and weeks into months, and he realised he was falling for the wall. He wanted to be with the wall, build a house around it, and spend his dying years in its comfort. He wanted the wall to be there in his life, forever, instead of rotting away in the valley it had gotten used to.

And he spoke to the wall about a new life, a new world. His world. He brought a flower and kept it by the light- a red rose, red for it resembled the colour of his best ever companion. He spoke of his dreams, his home, his plans, his future, and the life he had dreamed of. He spoke for hours and hours. And then.
He looked at it for a response.
Indifference.
He asked for a response, and yet, nothing.
With blurry eyes, the boy picked up the flower, and threw at it again.
Indifference- cold, dark indifference.
The ground, moist now, let out a whisper, a cry, asking him to give up.
He tried to walk away, but the darkness and the pain he could see in the wall kept him staring at it, with fascination.
With love.
And he looked on.

Years have passed. People pass by, absorbed in the normalcy of their lives, as any other day. Some people who’ve passed by the dark pathway complain that it’s damp and moist now.
Some even say they can hear a muffled sob from its depths.
The sob of a boy, the boy who loved a wall.

The Love that Never Was...

I stared into the silence.

I could hear my heart beat.

Thup thup…thup thup…thup thup….

Endless…

I could sense the pain in my insides. But no tears came. None at all.

None.

It was a state of helplessness. As though I had a heart just to keep me alive.

And nothing else. Nothing else.

I gulped the pain away, put up my fake smile and walked to class.

 **********

You know how you always dream of being with someone- that perfect woman or man and build a life around that person? How we always look for that one person in a crowd, and when we do find him or her, fall in love and live a happy life ahead?

What a load of bullshit!

I know this girl, this perfect girl, someone you can just hold in your arms and watch days pass by. She was someone I didn’t know for long, but managed to rip my mask out and unveil the person I am to the world.

Thank god the world was blind.

She saw through me like glass, and it wasn’t long before she’d read me like a million times, through and through. She stayed around while I was working, and we talked, and talked, and had such an amazing time.

Time that we often forgot existed.

And then that day, when she told me how she felt about me, and I looked out for that person who I needed beside me, I realised that it was her, and her alone. Our eyes met, and I was struck by something I’ve never seen in my life.

Innocent, childlike, pure, unconditional love.

I held on to her hand like I never wanted to let go. I felt her hand like I was trying to remember it, etch it in stone in my memory, and scar myself with it. I smelled her sweet innocent scent like it was oxygen for me, and my heart. I lived, for once, in the warmth of her shoulder, and felt alive, more than I had in years.

And then the heart stopped beating.

For the first time, I felt time pass, and I felt her hand slipping, felt darkness creeping up on me. I kept seeing a face, another face, and it haunted me. I was with this perfect girl, and yet.

I was in love with someone else. Someone I knew would never love me back. Someone I knew would never probably be able to love me.

But I loved this girl too.

I knew there was a clause to my happiness here. But there was a cold storm in front of me, and I had one way to go. I walked on, with the warmth of her hand as my comfort. I got lost in the storm, and I held on. I held on till I realised she wasn’t there anymore. I grabbed blindly at the darkness, only to realise she was gone.

The storm ended. The sky cleared out. It’s bright and sunny again.

But the darkness of that perfect love remains.

That incomplete, yet perfect love.

Shoulder of the Year

I’ve wondered which the most important part of our body is.

The eye to see the beauty around us, the ear to listen to the melodious symphony of the world, the heart to emote and love, are all important and recognised.

 One part of the body seldom mentioned is one’s shoulder. The moment you read 'shoulder', you would have gone “Whaaaaat?” in your head. But yes, you did read it right. The shoulder.

Imagine one of those days when life was all dull and low, or when you only had gone through one of life’s tragedies. You best friend comes over and you hug her/him, and find solace in the comfort of their shoulder. Or think of one of times when the girl/guy you love puts her/his head on your shoulder and tells you how much she loves you.

Instant relief, that’s the word.

Every embrace has the shoulder involved. Whether it be of a mother embracing the child, protecting him/her from the calamities of the world, or of the brother comforting the sister for her loss in the finals of her badminton match. The shoulder experiences love, joy, happiness, sorrow. It has always amazed me why it was never realised till date, well not in my experience at least.

Speaking of which, this piece is about how, like the shoulder, your value is often lost because of the involuntariness or whatever it is that makes you so insignificant when you’re the shoulder people lean on.

I’ve had a lot of experience with people. Now obviously this does NOT make me an expert of people, but that’s never really stopped me from saying anything about it. And I help my friends out, just like any other friend does, or at least like I assume, does. When they have a problem, and they come to me, crying sometimes, I offer them the shoulder to cry on, lean on, rest on, or just wait for retrospection, as it sometimes does happen. But what I found out is that sometimes NOT being there is the key to finding value in life. I have no complaints with the way things work out in life for me, but I can’t help but wonder why this happens. 

Word is that when you’re around people and hang out with them too much, they lose interest in you. 

Even I know that’s full of crap.

The more you get to know someone the better you should be able to understand what that person’s needs are, and hence know if he needs a hug, or a warm squeeze of the hand. I’ve been there for a lot of my friends, and lately I’ve given support to many. They keep telling me how good a shoulder I’ve been to them and how I’m a great friend and all the other conventional bullshit you hear from people. And what happens when I need someone around? 

I don’t think it’s necessary to write that one down for you to guess it.

I’m upset. I need a shoulder to lean on to. It’s sad really that I even have to ask for it. 

Good Mr.Shoulder –of-the-Year has no shoulder to lean on.

The irony of it all.

Rain

Oh Rain Oh Rain,
You beautiful little thing,
Stopping you, vain,
You disappear, swift wing.

The wet grounds here,
Smell like bliss,
S'long as you're near,
Icy breeze, hard to miss.

Tomorrow, might burn,
We know not,
But today, we learn,
To love you, dot by dot.

Love, is it?

I saw her smile
I saw her shy
I loved her still
I don't know why

I saw her swear
Heart  beat snare
I saw her sway
Yet blown away

Shades of two
I see her be
Black and blue
Yet red to me

She's quiet at times
Irresponsive
Talks, mostly mimes
And yet so active

Promises broken
Hearts smitten
Distances grew
Butterflies flew

I see her smile
Innocent
Once, but a while
Translucent

I see her laugh
Louder and louder
And whilst she took off
My heart just missed her.

She comes off, I stress
Innocent
Her actions speak less
Heart confidant

She's charming
Wanderlust
My world, turning
Daylights lost

She lives, her being
As she sees fit
And yet this feeling
Love, is it?

The Wait That Never Ended.

I waited. It was 7:30 p.m.
This was someone I really liked.
I don’t know what or how or when I started liking this girl. But she’s always been the happy one around, and she had a vibe that radiated to everyone around.

It’s been a crazy life of mine. Time was something I’ve always had for people close to me, or people I’ve felt deserved it. Some of those decisions were great ones. There are really good friends I can always depend on, and turn to when I’m in trouble, which I often am. They are those people who one can call at late in the night and talk about something that’s been bothering you for a while, or people who see you’re starving and drive all the way home to get you something to eat.

Then there are some bad decisions.

I know there’s not anything I can do about it. I mean, they are moments that are way long gone and past. But I can’t help erase those times I’ve hoped for something good to happen when it didn’t, and those times when I was so sure that it was going to happen. Those are minutes, hours, days of my life I can never get back.
I’m not a perfect person. I make mistakes like everyone else does. Well I try and avoid those mistakes. But sometimes you end up doing exactly what you warned yourself NOT to do. So, those mistakes did happen. And when they did, as they have done, all I could do was to try to understand why that half of my glass got empty.

The answer, every single time, was time.

I’ve always given time to people I’ve loved. And this was a problem. I spent all that time not only on the people who are with me now but also on the mistakes I had done. And while that time was being sucked away by the mistakes, I felt myself devoid of time and love to be given to someone else.
And here I am, today, in exactly the same situation as I have been.
I happened to like someone who I shouldn’t have liked. Like some forbidden apple it lured me into the same old self I used to be. And like a chain of events the same old things happened, not much to my surprise, but to my deep and painful sorrow.

This is not about the people, or the girl, or about love, or about anything else.

This is about time. Time, and nothing else.

It’s now 10:30 p.m.
I’m still waiting.

Rain Outside the Classroom Window

Beauty out the window
Far beyond my reach
Heart longs for the pillow
Boundaries I can't breach.

Wrapped by walls concrete
Classes I'm confined
Out in the rain I want to breathe
Heaven, thus defined.

Sometimes You Fall...

Victimised, pressurised
Loss of breath
Sanity, compromised
Close to death

Flames burning
Stomachs churning
There no wrong no more
This time you've got to score

What you don't get
Is this ain't no ending
What you want you don't always get
Sometimes you rise, sometimes you fall.

What if...?

He stared at his hands,

Moist and sweaty,

Lines carved on them,

Messages unknown.

The other end of the hall,

Stood a girl,

She gave him butterflies,

Her face, mystery.

He hoped to smile,

For her to see,

For him to speak,

“Will you go out with me?”

He’d take her to an eatery,

Open air, they would seat,

He’d keep his hand on his chest,

Feel his heart skip a beat.

Good talk, good laughs,

A walk to her home,

Goodnight on her cheek,

Below the moon, in its dome.

She’d see him again,

Many dates later,

Down the aisle he’d wait,

For her, as she got there.

He’d kiss her every morning,

And every night,

Their kids, two there’d be,

She’d teach them to be right.

They’d see a whole life together,

Through sickness and health,

And finally they’d lay in peace,

Love, being all their wealth.

He stared at his hands,

Moist and sweaty,

He was right there,

In reality.

He looked at the girl,

He smiled,

She looked back, in all her beauty,

She smiled back, drove him wild.

He walked, past the distance,

Now knowing what it turns out to be,

But he’d lived that life once already,

What if, it was meant to be?

Dreamcatcher Trip- Trip One: MUMBAI

Sleepless...

I've heard dreams leave you sleepless. But I've always ignored the irony and just thought it never really meant anything. On the first day of the Dreamcatcher trip, as I'd begun to call it, my day started feeling devoid of sleep.

A little above two hours before my flight, I'm in the car staring out at the darkness of early morning. As the
car goes parallel to a moving train, I stare at the small disappearing lights and find my eyes slowly closing.
It's time to dream again.

"Welcome to Mumbai. Have a pleasant stay.", the voice of the cabin manager faded off as the flight landed at the international airport.
My heart leapt as I saw the place I loved most. Mumbai, with its infinite dreams and promises. As I stepped out of the airport and stood at the pickup point, I saw my moms smiling face from the window of a car. Well, if not my dream, I'd definitely caught hold of a smile in this trip.

The car draws closer now to Powai. My fingers are busy tapping away at the phone, but my mind is still on the reason I'm here and the path it took me to get here. Whatever one might say, my dreams give meaning to my life. My life, my boring corporate job, has no meaning without this dream. Every single day for the past many years I've woken up not belonging to the place, and the situation.
I hope this is where my life meets it's meaning.

Two days. Thats how long it takes for you to realize your dream means nothing to the world in its infinitely large dimension. My tests and interviews over the last two days proved an evaluation of my self. I never realised how much the world had changed.

The people applying for design are of three types. The first comprises those who haven't sacrificed anything but have always worked towards this field. The second, are those who keep safe and have a backup ready in case this doesn't work out. The third ones are those who've then it all, everything they had, everything that they stood for, for this thing, this dream that drives their world, their life, their being.

An important thing is that the safe are never appreciated.

Today, I'm one of the safe.

I've never enjoyed the field I work in. Corporate has not been my thing and I've known this for a while now. Design has always meant everything to me. I've loved working on functional designs, talking to inspiring designers of today, everything about it. But sadly it takes more than words to prove to them how much you want it, need it, make it a reason for your survival.

I don't know if I've communicated well enough to them what I feel about design and how it elevates me. But as phase one of the Dreamcatcher trip cones to a close, I've certainly communicated to myself what truly matters to me. And where I stand.

If there's something you've always believed in, something you've always loved beyond anything else, then take that leap.
I'm going to take that leap today.

Dream with Me

See, closed eyes

Surreality

Look, beyond lies

There’s clarity

Sail, unbiased,

Out to open sea

Sink, miles inside

Skin-deep animosity

Touch gently, the air

Flowing through fingertips

Feel, water flow

Coldness between your lips

Fly, out and above

Skies unknown

Sing, loud and clear

Silent melody

Pray, faith high

Shooting star.

Believe, don’t ask why

Love is beyond war.

Smile, I got your back

Guardian angel

Hope, beyond loss

All’s gonna be well

For now, breathe

Dream a dream with me

Don’t let your heart seethe

Dream a dream with me.

There's this girl...

 

“There’s this girl.”

God knows why I’m smiling right now. I’ve never felt so much in need of anything or anyone in my life. So much pain it’s enough to torture even the cruellest of men to righteousness, so much lack of feeling that it numbs me from inside out. But still so real that I feel it.

I feel my heart beating.

She came into my life like someone who passes by and stops for a cup of coffee at your favourite restaurant. You meet her and share a cup of coffee with her, and then another.

And you cannot stop. There is something so captivating about the girl that shoves the caffeine into your heart and it starts racing. She stayed for drinks, and then stepped into my life.

My life, that was about to change.

The time spent with her was nothing like anything. But every minute, she made it count. Every second, her breath was a reason for mine. She was all I saw, all I heard and all I believed in. She made me see dreams unseen, live a life unlived, say truths unsaid.

And then she left.

The void left she left behind was so enormous, that it left me spiralling downward. I hit new lows for my behaviour and hurt some really good people. I’d apologise to them, if they were still around. But I never realised once what she may have felt when she did whatever she did. I was so deep in my sorrow I felt no compassion, no empathy. Maybe it wasn’t sorrow. Maybe it was just the lack of self-existence.

Maybe it was just plain-old me.

Today, as I stare at the screen with these words, I tell myself how wrong I was. I tell myself how I had the chance at experiencing love, and I never gave it all I had. She was an amazing girl, and she is all I have ever needed. Truth be told, every time I looked at her, I wanted to hold her in my arms and never let go. Every time I held her hand, I wanted to spin her around in dance to the tune of my heart skip a beat. Every time I kissed her, I knew my chance at living heaven on earth was right at the tip of my lips.

Every time. Every single time.

People ask me how I could have loved her all this while. How I could stand through all the pain and suffering I’ve been through. A pain whose reason was that girl, that one girl who gave me everything I’ve dreamt of in a year and a half, and in return took away one thing. The one thing that only truly meant something.  My ability to love someone.

That girl was not the reason for the pain, but the reason for my survival. What she gave me pulled off these few years. And I know that even if I grow old and go to the fortieth anniversary of my college, and I hear my favourite song play, there’s only one woman I’d ask to dance.

Today I sit here, rid of sleep, typing all these long words into my thoroughly abused laptop, with a hope. The same hope that has had her in every song I imagined myself to be in.

“There’s this girl. This one girl.
I love her.”