“There’s this girl.”
God knows why I’m smiling right now. I’ve never felt so much
in need of anything or anyone in my life. So much pain it’s enough to torture
even the cruellest of men to righteousness, so much lack of feeling that it
numbs me from inside out. But still so real that I feel it.
I feel my heart beating.
She came into my life like someone who passes by and stops
for a cup of coffee at your favourite restaurant. You meet her and share a cup
of coffee with her, and then another.
And you cannot stop. There is something so captivating about
the girl that shoves the caffeine into your heart and it starts racing. She
stayed for drinks, and then stepped into my life.
My life, that was about to change.
The time spent with her was nothing like anything. But every
minute, she made it count. Every second, her breath was a reason for mine. She
was all I saw, all I heard and all I believed in. She made me see dreams
unseen, live a life unlived, say truths unsaid.
And then she left.
The void left she left behind was so enormous, that it left
me spiralling downward. I hit new lows for my behaviour and hurt some really
good people. I’d apologise to them, if they were still around. But I never
realised once what she may have felt when she did whatever she did. I was so
deep in my sorrow I felt no compassion, no empathy. Maybe it wasn’t sorrow.
Maybe it was just the lack of self-existence.
Maybe it was just plain-old me.
Today, as I stare at the screen with these words, I tell
myself how wrong I was. I tell myself how I had the chance at experiencing
love, and I never gave it all I had. She was an amazing girl, and she is all I
have ever needed. Truth be told, every time I looked at her, I wanted to hold
her in my arms and never let go. Every time I held her hand, I wanted to spin
her around in dance to the tune of my heart skip a beat. Every time I kissed
her, I knew my chance at living heaven on earth was right at the tip of my
lips.
Every time. Every single time.
People ask me how I could have loved her all this while. How
I could stand through all the pain and suffering I’ve been through. A pain
whose reason was that girl, that one girl who gave me everything I’ve dreamt of
in a year and a half, and in return took away one thing. The one thing that
only truly meant something. My ability
to love someone.
That girl was not the reason for the pain, but the reason
for my survival. What she gave me pulled off these few years. And I know that
even if I grow old and go to the fortieth anniversary of my college, and I hear
my favourite song play, there’s only one woman I’d ask to dance.
Today I sit here, rid of sleep, typing all these long words
into my thoroughly abused laptop, with a hope. The same hope that has had her in
every song I imagined myself to be in.
“There’s this girl. This one girl.
I love her.”
