There's this girl...

 

“There’s this girl.”

God knows why I’m smiling right now. I’ve never felt so much in need of anything or anyone in my life. So much pain it’s enough to torture even the cruellest of men to righteousness, so much lack of feeling that it numbs me from inside out. But still so real that I feel it.

I feel my heart beating.

She came into my life like someone who passes by and stops for a cup of coffee at your favourite restaurant. You meet her and share a cup of coffee with her, and then another.

And you cannot stop. There is something so captivating about the girl that shoves the caffeine into your heart and it starts racing. She stayed for drinks, and then stepped into my life.

My life, that was about to change.

The time spent with her was nothing like anything. But every minute, she made it count. Every second, her breath was a reason for mine. She was all I saw, all I heard and all I believed in. She made me see dreams unseen, live a life unlived, say truths unsaid.

And then she left.

The void left she left behind was so enormous, that it left me spiralling downward. I hit new lows for my behaviour and hurt some really good people. I’d apologise to them, if they were still around. But I never realised once what she may have felt when she did whatever she did. I was so deep in my sorrow I felt no compassion, no empathy. Maybe it wasn’t sorrow. Maybe it was just the lack of self-existence.

Maybe it was just plain-old me.

Today, as I stare at the screen with these words, I tell myself how wrong I was. I tell myself how I had the chance at experiencing love, and I never gave it all I had. She was an amazing girl, and she is all I have ever needed. Truth be told, every time I looked at her, I wanted to hold her in my arms and never let go. Every time I held her hand, I wanted to spin her around in dance to the tune of my heart skip a beat. Every time I kissed her, I knew my chance at living heaven on earth was right at the tip of my lips.

Every time. Every single time.

People ask me how I could have loved her all this while. How I could stand through all the pain and suffering I’ve been through. A pain whose reason was that girl, that one girl who gave me everything I’ve dreamt of in a year and a half, and in return took away one thing. The one thing that only truly meant something.  My ability to love someone.

That girl was not the reason for the pain, but the reason for my survival. What she gave me pulled off these few years. And I know that even if I grow old and go to the fortieth anniversary of my college, and I hear my favourite song play, there’s only one woman I’d ask to dance.

Today I sit here, rid of sleep, typing all these long words into my thoroughly abused laptop, with a hope. The same hope that has had her in every song I imagined myself to be in.

“There’s this girl. This one girl.
I love her.”