It happened a few days back, when I tried to call my best friend for getting dinner. I picked up my phone, not really knowing what I was thinking about. I dialled his number and stared blindly at the screen. I suddenly realized, looking at the name on the screen, that this wasn’t the number I planned to call. I cut the phone quickly and kept it aside, my hunger and all other thoughts of food, gone.
Our mind is a very complex part of our body. It is capable of saying even what we never knew we had in it. On keeping the phone, I realized that I wanted to speak to one person, who I never thought I’d want to call, for a very long time. But my mind told me that in fact I did want to talk to that person. It was a different feeling. But I knew it was true, because I did not think this one up.
I haven’t been a completely good person. I have had my share (BIG share) of sins in my life. And there are quite a lot many mistakes that I have no justification for. Among those lies one of my biggest mistakes- the one that led me to break one heart, and finally ended up breaking my own. I broke a heart that loved. That loved me. And there I was, phone in hand, thinking about dialling that one number that I should have been ashamed out of my guts for dialling. I get lost in my thoughts, and my phone slides out of my hand and onto the floor, the sound of it touching the ground taking me back a few years ago.
Reels of long gone memories glided past me, and I saw it, for the first time, through her eyes. I see the pain, the wounds, the sacrifice, the love, and every small thing that should have at once noticed by me, when instead, I became this heartless monster who never saw into the little that she could give in the boundaries we were tied to. She had always tried to be there for me, and always had something good to tell me when I was dull. But I never saw the good in her, for the good in me was momentarily out of order. With her, it was like being with my other half. She was a great person, and an ever better best friend. Time flew like the wind when I was on call with her, and I never cared for sleep and topics when I used to talk to her.
And then, a small hurdle on the way made me flinch, and see a lot of problems in her, and in the relationship. Her problems were never mine, but mine were hers. I hurt her a lot many times but I never for once had the feeling that she had hurt me.
For a moment I felt like I was at the edge of a cliff, the cliff that was her, and I wanted to jump out to the endless reservoir of water which was the sea. In my thought I slipped and fell, but her hand caught me just in time. My hand slipped, and I fell.
When I got back to being myself, memories of the feeling were still fresh in my mind. Numerous words in ink, short walks down familiar paths, endless waiting, all hit me at the same time. This was probably the best a person has ever felt for me, and the worst and most undeserving reward I gave in return. The sad part of it is that she’s gone now. But the good part is that I now know what I’ve lost, and I probably will never forget that time, the time that Love was.
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